Why haven’t we yet seen an African movie horror, you ask? (No, no, no, those bloody Nigerian things that stir more outraged manic laughter than chills of fear DO NOT count!)
I was still being rhetorical… why we haven’t seen an African horror yet. Simple, it wouldn’t work in Africa for a series of reasons which standing alone would probably be inconsequential but together, form a daunting obstacle to the horror category of our movie industry.
We are so used to tragedy we’ve got a bored Garfield look saved up for that bit of the news on CNN when they focus on Africa and detail all our miseries and misfortunes. That’s like the entire broadcast. I mean with all the power-hungry, money-starved leaders we’ve had, then the wars, rebels, the poverty and the delayed civilization. Has you questioning the guy who delegates this bag of goodies. I did not say God; don’t be looking at me like that.
Anyway, with stuff like that at the backs of our minds, an African horror would probably tend to the comedic side for us, in the sad pathetic “what can I do but laugh” way. I hate that way, it’s so… pathetic.
Right, so some freaky alien looking thing spitting fire attacks a whole village kills people and knocks shit to the ground and chances are the talk at the next booze-fest gathering (most likely the following night) would be something along the lines of;
Drunken Philosopher 1: You chaps hear about the fellas back in Katundu. The idiots pissed their small god off. Those guys had it coming. I’m telling you that was one raging spirit. I wonder what they did.
Ignorant Foreigner: I heard it was horrible. The entire village was destroyed. They all died!
Drunken Philosopher 2: This guy must be new here. Horrible? He he.
Ignorant Foreigner: Yes, I am a foreigner in these parts. A journalist actually. How could you tell?
Drunken Philosopher 1: We’re used to this kind of thing. This is how we roll in this ghetto. That big breasted window shopping nine bullet wannabe hasn’t seen hood. (The things that booze will make us say!)
Ignorant Foreigner: You mean Fifty Cent?
Drunken Philosopher 1: Yeah, whoever. I’m saying, Katundu guys were prepared. They even knew what time the spirit would strike.
Ignorant Foreigner: Amazing. But can’t you guys do anything. I mean, you just let the “spirits” have their way like that?
Drunken Philosopher 2: Dude, it’s tradition.
We also don’t have houses with basements. We all know that’s where the four or more eyed monsters and the bad guys like to hang out. Still beats me why these guys keep putting basements on their houses. Anyway, we know better. We have none of those fancy pointless rooms, I hear “attic,” on our houses. We call that giving the bad guys lodgings. When bad guys come over to our houses they have two choices, either get the neighbor in on the whole thing or make do with the bushes outside. And there’re probably animals in the bushes. This is Africa biatch!
Neither would our bad guys have some windy long named complex that ends up being the reason why they do the positively retarded shit they do. Like the bad guy gets sexual molested as a kid and grows up and rape chics for a living. Then at the end of the movie we all realize the truth and he dies or gets admitted to some institution (pretty much the same thing). Bad-touch-ophobosis, they might call it.
Well our bad guys do stuff like that just for kicks. Like a hobby. A pass time.
“I was bored; this guy’s head looked like a leg of ham. I felt like cutting him up. Just.”
Normally, the revelation of the complex at the end of the movie kind of makes the script whole. The audience leaves the cinema at peace with the actions of the rapist or serial killer or mass murderer or child molester. He had his reasons. The just for just reason simply leaves you freaking scared.
Oh yea, not forgetting our ghosts. They don’t haunt and wail and do all that boring uninspired hooey that the movie ghosts do. They do really calculated stuff, like register in massive numbers in some government-funded primary school, or join the army, again in masses. Not so scary, unless you are said government doing said funding.
So I guess a decent African Horror will have to wait.
