Every time The Curse strikes, I get all religious and stuff. It’s a phase-by-phase kind of religious intrusion that envelops me and blocks all exits. Has me by the balls like the neighbors, it does. (Hitting a little too close to home on that one, he he)
Phase one; OH MY GOD! It’s the middle of the night, quiet, peaceful, the occasional mosquito tries to mess with me and my lover (sleep) and gets killed and it’s peaceful again. I turn over in my snug, comfy bed to get even more snug and comfortable and…JOLT!
My eyes fly open. For a minute I think the rapture is taking place and I’m going. Then I come to and get real. Then…JOLT!
I do a quick run through of what I ate for supper and supplementary bedtime snack and the first Oh My God! escapes my lips. Supper; spaghetti, really thick, I’m talking heavy on the Royco here. Bedtime snack; bread and baked beans and tinned fish. Don’t give me the look; I have the appetite of thoroughbred Mukiga. Look it up, we eat for CHOGM!
But it’s not that. Second OH My God! in the series. The Curse is here; the dawning realization is not welcomed. I’m thinking of how I plan to get through the night when the thought is halted. And that would be the third OH MY GOD! The mother of Oh My Gods. The one that proceeds the JOLT! Is Zeus in on this too?
Phase two; Will Benny be back soon? Hinn that is. If he can make the blind see and the lame walk, this should be a walk in the park for him. Disappear my uterus. No biggie. I’d do it the old fashioned style (the female version of a vasectomy) but between Ellen and Elton, I don’t know who would be throwing me the “come hither” look.
So? Will he be in town soon? Or can Kirk cover for him. I’d be willing to settle for Imelda with insurance coz… she just looks…well…I maintain the insurance condition. What the hell! He won’t get here in time. Plan B. Also…
Phase three; D.I.Y (That is taking matters into mine own hands… clasped together in prayer…) God, I know my voice might sound a tad unfamiliar but hear me out. Hear that tremor in my voice? I call that urgency. Maybe you could rewind time for a bit, you know nineteen, twenty years, heck make it twenty-five! Yea, just make me a boy. Shouldn’t take too much work, right? You are God.
Phase four; Cleanliness is next to Godliness. The shower was only good for as long as I remained under the vengefully burning spray of relief, hot water. I stepped out and yup, I still felt violent. Violent as in I want to break shit and kill shit and just watch shit in agony and pain and at one point actually be the cause of said pain and agony. Oh well, thank God for ants, right?
Phase five; Invoking the Lord’s name. “Disappear, die, move, go into a comma. I don’t care. Just don’t touch my shit. Don’t touch me, don’t get in my way, don’t even breathe in my general direction or I swear to God I will DO SOMETHING!”
Phase six; Lamentation and Deliberation. Why me? What did I do to deserve this! Who did I unwittingly piss off this much? Makes you think back to the days of Eden. Think how pissed off God must have been at Eve. I can’t begin to imagine how bad the serpent has it.
